Secret Games

In my last blog I mentioned that minding the gap between living in the real world versus a dream world is critical. The dream world, to which I refer, is the secret place where irresponsible fantasies reside.

I realize that world and being a private person are two different concepts. But as I focus on this gap between secrets and reality in my work with married couples, it doesn’t take long to discover how secrets kill marriages and ruins families. They reinforce identities of duplicity where we think we know the person and find out we don’t. What we see isn’t what we get.

Everyone will struggle with this on some level because we’re human. Yet there’s something insidious happening when a choice is made, and might I say it starts early in life, to actively live as a person who lies as much or more by omission than commission. As a person who relishes the control of what irresponsible fantasies provide over supplying even simple facts to a question someone would ask us. We let the thrill of the excitement of the forbidden make a home within us, where people are dehumanize so we can maintain Secret Games.

I like playing Texas Holdem on my I Pod and occasionally with friends. Trying to figure a person’s Tell – the secret of knowing what’s in their hand – is built into the game. But irresponsible secrets/fantasies have no place in building a healthy relationship.

Jesus modeled the remedy in a real world way. He was open and transparent because he believed people matter and yes, us too.

What do you think about a No Secrets policy in real world relationships as a means to mind this gap, where harm lurks in some shape or form?